| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2005|09:21 pm] |
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I DON'T EXIST ANYMORE |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|05:18 am] |
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It almost kind of sucks when you meet people who blow you away. I hate being filled with such a burning desire to know someone when I have learned in these past six months that it will usually go unfulfilled. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 21st, 2005|01:54 pm] |
Ok, I am really annoying. I have a lot of talents and skills, but I can almost never utilize them to their full potential. I get in a mindset where I can't feel it out anymore, I concentrate to hard, and I lose what I had that made me so unnaturally good. This goes for anything from Kan-Jam, to beer pong, to poker, to guitar, to AC, to Mad Gab. Anything. It's really frustrating because I am actually quite good at a lot of things, and if I'm not, I'm a pretty fast learner.
Also: Volkswagen Beetle, bitches. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 8th, 2005|04:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The James Dean Trio - Smee Get In The Boo Box | ] |
Hahahaha. Best thing I have heard in weeks:
"Why Shocker when ya can Spock her?"
Think about it for a moment. HAHAHA. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 20th, 2005|06:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | A Tribe Called Quest feat. Mos Def - Hydro | ] |
Tonight was so awesome. Staying up late with my best friends ad favorite lady.
We leave for NC at midnight. Holy crap. I wish I had a girl to be on the beach with, and I wish Phil was going -- but regardless, it will be one of the most amazing trips ever.
Got a job. Selling cutlery. Go figure. Not sure how I'll manage that one. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2005|05:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pete Rock and CL Smooth - The Creator | ] |
Living with my family is only a reminder to what I broke out. I thank the heavens for that.
A controlling, power-crazy dad.
An emotionally immature and unstable mother.
A bitchy drama queen for a sister.
And now I watch my brother being brainwashed into the same thing. How did I escape their clutches? How did I rise above, at least in mental capacity?
What a pathetic existence these people lead. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2005|03:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The James Dean Trio | ] |
Things are going pretty good right now. If they stay this way, I will be surprised. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2005|04:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | .i.swear.i.try.to.care. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cursive - The Night I Lost the Will to Fight | ] |
I don't know how or why, but my orgasms have been insane lately. It's so not the typical ho-hum whackoff that is typical for us dudes. I have to stop myself from making noise. Good fucking stuff. Gonna have to say thanks to Holly for aiding my discovery of how to come with prolonged high-intensity during our relationship. My body ached afterwards.
Also, if it bothers you to read about masturbation, you have two options: quit being an immature Puritan or remove me from your friends list. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2005|05:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  relaxed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Canary in a Coalmine | ] |
Yeah, so recently I found this poker site that was giving out a free 20 euros if you signed up. Well, long story short, the fund for "Week of Awesomeness at a Beach House in North Carolina With Your Closest Friends" now has $550 to it thanks to the ingenious minds of my friends. Which is a very, very large chunk of change.
So, it feels absolutely wonderful to finally have been able to help out. I always hoped I could do something really awesome for everybody since you guys are always there for me, regardless of the contents of my wallet.
<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2005|12:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
Damn! I never realized how frustrating picking girls up can be until me and Holly split up. I keep meeting tons of girls and it somehow always ends up falling through. Hell, I slept in one girl's room once. Hell, a girl SLEPT IN THE SAME BED AS ME once and I still haven't gotten any loving.
I'm so used to just randomly meeting a girl and hitting it off right away. This is horrible!
Although, I did get to talk to a wonderful girl last night for a couple of hours on the phone. Too bad I FREAKING HATE HER. :( |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|02:13 am] |
I feel so exhausted, yet I haven't done a single thing today.
I feel so miserable, even though there is a huge festival I've been looking forward to for a long time this weekend AND I found out I'm probably going to NC.
I feel so unwanted, even though I have good friends.
I am hesitant to even disclose this because the flurry of sympathy and well-wishing makes me sick to my stomach. Only because I know it will come, yet I post this anyway. I feel like a worthless whore for attention. I also can't help but feel that those who read these things from me will not look at me the same again. I don't want to be looked down on because of my flaws.
Last night, I drank probably around 15-17 shots of rum throughout the night. At the end of that, I swallowed a bottle of ibuprofen. It amounted to around 10g. It was a longshot, because ibuprofen is weak, and it obviously didn't work. I remember sitting in my chair, ignoring phone calls and knocks on my door. I started feeling woozier, and I dropped myself out of my chair and onto the ground. I closed my eyes. I wondered if I would ever wake up again. My breathing started to get shallow and slow. I lost consciousness shortly after.
I woke up this morning several times to throw up and promptly go back to bed. I remember thinking. "I'm still alive." The problem is that when I get as depressed as I felt last night, the next day I usually feel at least a little better. Kind of like those moments where I wish I was dead are the top of a rollercoaster and once I hit that apex, things have to go down and get better. However, I don't feel any better tonight. I haven't all day. I don't even know that I'm happy to still be alive. I don't want to be dead. I never have. I have a crippling fear of death. But a lot of the time, I don't really want to be alive, either. Now you know why I typically sleep 12 hours a day.
I don't want to get help. I don't want to keep feeling this way. I feel like I'm stuck no matter what. In my head no matter what I do it will only end in tears and failure.
I'm sorry that I even posted this. It makes me feel like the only reason I ate those pills was so I could subsequently tell people about it and revel in the momentary attention. I hate the attention, though. I don't even know. This is what it's like to be in my head. I just don't fucking know anymore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|04:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Into The Moat - Beyond Treachery | ] |
I'm really, really fucking pathetic. Quit being friends with me if you are already unlucky enough to be one. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2005|12:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my guitar. | ] |
It's all very surreal... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 8th, 2005|10:09 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | The Mars Volta - Frances the Mute | ] |
I really need female companionship. This whole "lose the love of your life and have no rebound" thing is kind of crappy.
I hate not having someone. It's tiresome, too, because most girls that actually get to know me end up somewhat charmed by my positive characteristics.
I'm just sitting alone in my room, drinking a few brews and blasting Mars Volta. I would love for a cute little emo girl to be here. Someone to talk to. Someone to whisper to. Someone to touch tongues with. Someone to tease, someone to hug, someone to fuck. Someone to hold. That's all I want. I need to feel that connection again, that synchronized pulse-beat that you feel in your very being when you lay next to that beauty you call "señorita de mi".
Holly rendered me a broken man. I know it's unhealthy, but I need someone else to help fix me. I'm a weak, weak man who craves intimacy. I have to be able to caress your face, to twirl your hair, to breathe hot air on the back of your neck. I need to forget her image in the grandiose moment of touching another.
I want to tease you. To slowly bring my hands across your skin until you shiver in the heat. To cup your breasts, to kiss them. I need to slowly hear your breathing increase.
I need all of these things. It's who I am. I have to feel the electricity only a woman can spark in my veins.
My god, do I need it badly. A lover without love is an artist without his brush -- utterly worthless. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2005|03:55 pm] |
Yeah, so I've been working out the past few weeks. I started off running a mile and doing 40 arm reps with 30lbs on one of the machines twice a week. I have been slightly increasing the whole time. Well, this is my third week doing it and I've already done it twice, this being Tuesday. And today I ran two miles, biked two miles, and did around 100 reps on that machine.
That's pretty awesome, in my mind. However, I'd just like to point out something. I know it's a common misconception that depression can be fixed if only the person who's depressed would jsut work out, be healthy, etc.
Well, this past week marks the second time in my entire life where I've truly, truly come very close to ending everything. You cannot fix a lifetime of misery and possible chemical imbalance with a treadmill and a shoulder press.
I'd just like to enlighten some people to that fact because it's a very unhealthy view to hold toward the mentally ill/unstable. That's all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2005|12:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  groggy | ] |
More lyrics.
Misery Fucks Company
Oh, baby, you make tragedy so sexy. Those razor blade wrists are so enticing. Where'd you learn to cut it like that? To sever your self loathing like a bulging vein. I want you to hate yourself, love. We can hang from the same tressel in a heart shaped display; intertwined corpses dangling like god's piñatas. I'm your man, the ruse. I'll make you feel blessed while you hang from that noose. Keep hitting us with misery and maybe we'll explode, suspended in the sky when life showed us no hope. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2005|03:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Final Fantasy X - Besaid Village | ] |
I remember that time we watched the sun set on mushrooms. You told me you were making a memory of our time together, focused to that fleeting moment before you thought I'd leave. Like Yuna.
Now, as I play through Final Fantasy X and choke back tears, I can only hope that memory stays with you, as my thoughts of you do.
Time will lull the sting a bit, faster for you than for me. I'll always look back on you though with an ache in my chest. What a special person you are. What a special person you were to me. How irreplaceable.
I never meant for it to be like this, Holly. You took care of me like no one else did. I never knew someone would support me so unconditionally. I just never meant to lose you.
There's no getting over you. I dreamt that we were together and it made me cry out of joy. I woke up and everything was shattered and empty again.
Off to Besaid to drudge up the nostalgia of spending my whole day doing nothing but playing Final Fantasy with you. For 10 hours in our pajamas. I fucking miss you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 17th, 2005|07:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drunk | ] |
I'm floating through life and it's only a matter of time before the virility of life stabs my hot-air balloon with a knife and sends me plummeting towards reality. When it happens, what will I do? Die? Conform?
Jesus christ. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2005|04:53 am] |
Boy writes about his broken heart. News reel at 11.
Lips Like Ambrosia
A romanticized rendezvous in the space of a dream state. Lucidity made love to me as I caressed your angelic face. You're my Freudian slip, a subconscious saboteur. This déjà vu is subterfuge
to my delusions of grandeur.
You were the wax which bound my feathers. The sun is your absence and now I'm falling forever. Like Icarus I'll drown, alone, at sea. I've touched tongues with a goddess, though; not breathing isn't new to me.
I'd sleep for eternity, past the calendar's infinity, if it meant that we could meet eyes and kiss. Not embracing your lips when I'm awake is a fate akin to that of Tantalus. Lips like ambrosia; luscious perfection. Lips like ambrosia; my divine infection. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 12th, 2005|05:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Remixed gameboy sounds. | ] |
I honestly want to document a whole slew of thoughts here, but I can't decide whether it's worth the effort. If I did, it may never stop. Also, nobody really cares either way.
I guess the one thing that might at least be informative is that the more I think and observe, the more certain I am becoming that I have bipolar disorder. My moods are very cyclic. I went from ecstatic to be here, to near suicidal, to in a optimistic mood, and now I can start to feel it decline. This is really the first time I've noted the start of a decline into a "low", and it's really eclectic.
I find myself becoming more emotional at a lot of things. My thoughts take on a darker tone. I start to doubt a lot of things. I start to worry. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach like something bad is about to happen. I feel lonely. Unloved. Unwanted.
Since I haven't completely plummeted, yet, and that this is the first time I've actively noticed this, my mind is trying to fight it. I keep trying to reassure myself that it is all in my head. That there are those who do enjoy my company. That I will find my way in life. I don't need to worry so much. Live for the moment. Chill out.
I think it's a losing battle, though. I think I should seek help. Unfortunately, low OR high, I don't do it. I have a distrust of someone being paid to tinker with my head, for all intents and purposes. The lower I get, the more I feel that I deserve to feel this way, anyway. That it is somehow my fault. The higher I get, the more I think that I can fix it myself, or that maybe it won't come back. This is all bound together by my fundamental, relatively realistic distrust of psychiatrists.
I feel like I'm staring the abyss in the face. And it's staring right back at me. How odd. |
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